Cyclists

For starters, I have to apologize to those of you who might wish that I produced writing of slightly more substance here on Conshohocken Freedom than I do. Sadly, I have no time for such frivolous pursuits. I do, however, have a lot of things I'd like to bitch and piss and moan about, and it feels much better to do so in some sort of a public venue, such as this. Thus, in case you haven't noticed, the bulk of my writing here has degraded into a collection of rants, raves and phenomenally written complaints.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. And frankly, this early morning's post will be no different. Today we're bitching about cyclists.

You see, there was a time when the best mode of personal transportation may very well have been a bicycle. Regardless, it is not the case today. In fact, the most popular method these days for that sort of activity is probably a car. And to compensate for this fact, they've built roads. Paved roads, lots and lots of 'em that stretch for miles and miles in every which direction. And these roads are maintained in large part by fees levied upon car drivers, in exchange for the ability to use those roads as they were intended.

Cyclists don't pay anything extra to maintain these roads. And you might argue, that's ridiculous, Tom, a bicycle couldn't do even a hint of damage to a road, so why should they have to pay for their maintenance?

I say, perhaps they should. After all, there are plenty of places where the shoulder of the road is designated specifically as a bike lane. And where there aren't bike lanes, that's no fucking problem for most of them anyway. They get in the middle of the goddamn lane of traffic, slowing every single fucking car behind them down to a crawl so that they can enjoy their fucking bike ride in full view of the public.

This is the big problem. This is what makes me madder than I ever get on the road, when these fucking assholes who are all decked out in cyclist gear - the goggles, the helmet, the spandex - decide they've got every right to use up the road as someone in a car, despite the fact that they're almost inevitably going half the fucking speed limit. This is not due to any lack of cycling skill of their behalf, it's simply impossible for most anybody to ride a bike 35 mph on even a flat road for any extended period of time.

Let's pretend for a moment that the idiot on the bike, all covered in cycling logos as if he's a professional, corporate-sponsored athlete, were instead behind the wheel of a car going 20 in a 35 with a line of traffic behind him. I'm pretty sure he'd cause someone to have an aneurism. So why the fuck do we let cyclists get away with it?

The other night at work, Bernadette, Miguel and I were discussing own individual hatreds for cyclists, specifically large groups of them, deciding that like a flock of hens or a murder of crows, the best term was a cock of cyclists.

But moreover, Bernadette noted that cyclists can be good in certain situations, such as the annual bike race in Manayunk which involves heavy drinking by practically ever single spectator (or else someone's lost).

This led Bernadette to her compromise. The best way to turn these terrible people into something that works to our benefit is to cling to the bike race all year round, and simply drink every time you're driving and you see a cyclists. That way, you'll actually be excited to see a cyclist on the road, even if he is making you late for work.

Thanks, cyclist! I get to drink now!

Not that I'm condoning drinking and driving. But let me tell you, when those motherfuckers ride gleefully down the road in my lane without a care in the world, it makes me want to not just break the law, but smash it into tiny little fucking pieces all over the back of their heads.

We have sidewalks and biking trails for a reason, guys. Get. the. fuck. out. of. the. way.

Thank you.